On a Sleigh

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CRIKEY!!!

There's a huge bloke of an oycebag headin royt fah the Aussie oyland!

All ahead full mate! We've got plenty o' loyfboats!

(It broke loose from an Antarctic ice shelf ten years ago & has been making it's way north ever since.)
Leonoardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslett were unavailable for comment.

Australian Antarctic Division
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The Wilhelm Scream

You know you've heard it; here's the brief history:

And here are some examples:

Trucker's Delight

It's like Leisure Suit Larry, Full Throttle and Heavy Metal all rolled up into a 16-bit semi-pornographic adventure. (NSFW)

FLAIRS - TRUCKERS DELIGHT from 3rd Side Records on Vimeo.

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Whatever Works

Larry David's first monologue in Whatever Works

"What the hell does it all mean anyhow? Nothing. Zero. Zilch. Nothing comes to anything. And yet, there's no shortage of idiots to babble. Not me. I have a vision. I'm discussing you. Your friends. Your coworkers. Your newspapers. The TV. Everybody's happy to talk. Full of misinformation. Morality, science, religion, politics, sports, love, your portfolio, your children, health. Christ, if I have to eat nine servings of fruits and vegetables a day to live, I don't wanna live. I hate goddamn fruits and vegetables. And your omega 3's, and the treadmill, and the cardiogram, and the mammogram, and the pelvic sonogram, and oh my god the-the-the colonoscopy, and with it all the day still comes where they put you in a box, and its on to the next generation of idiots, who'll also tell you all about life and define for you what's appropriate. My father committed suicide because the morning newspapers depressed him. And could you blame him? With the horror, and corruption, and ignorance, and poverty, and genocide, and AIDS, and global warming, and terrorism, and-and the family value morons, and the gun morons. "The horror," Kurtz said at the end of Heart of Darkness, "the horror." Lucky Kurtz didn't have the Times delivered in the jungle. Ugh... then he'd see some horror. But what do you do? You read about some massacre in Darfur or some school bus gets blown up, and you go "Oh my God, the horror," and then you turn the page and finish your eggs from the free range chickens. Because what can you do. It's overwhelming! I tried to commit suicide myself. Obviously, it didn't work out. But why do you even want to hear about all this? Christ, you got your own problems. I'm sure your all obsessed with any number of sad little hopes and dreams. Your predictably unsatisfying love lives, your failed business ventures. "Oh, if only I'd bought that stock! If only I-if only I purchased THAT house years ago! If only I'd made a move on THAT woman." If this, if that. You know what? Gimmie a break with your could have's and should have's. Like my mother used to say, "If my grandmother had wheels, she'd be a trolley car." My mother didn't have wheels. She had varicose veins. Still, the woman gave birth to a brilliant mind. I was considered for a Nobel Prize in physics... I didn't get it. But, you know, its all politics. It's like every other phony honor. Incidentally, don't think I'm-I'm bitter because of some personal setback. By the standards of a mindless, barbaric civilization, I've been pretty lucky."

Boondock Saints II Opening Sequence

First few minutes of the rather kickass-looking sequel.

More The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day Info

Cool Guys Don't Look at Explosions

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Pioneers

Screw the blue jeans this is being used to sell; this is a great poem.

1
COME, my tan-faced children,
Follow well in order, get your weapons ready;
Have you your pistols? have you your sharp edged axes? Pioneers! O pioneers!

2
For we cannot tarry here,
We must march my darlings, we must bear the brunt of danger,
We, the youthful sinewy races, all the rest on us depend, Pioneers! O pioneers!

3
O you youths, western youths,
So impatient, full of action, full of manly pride and friendship,
Plain I see you, western youths, see you tramping with the foremost, Pioneers! O pioneers!

4
Have the elder races halted?
Do they droop and end their lesson, wearied, over there beyond the seas?
We take up the task eternal, and the burden, and the lesson, Pioneers! O pioneers!

5
All the past we leave behind;
We debouch upon a newer, mightier world, varied world,
Fresh and strong the world we seize, world of labor and the march, Pioneers! O pioneers!

6
We detachments steady throwing,
Down the edges, through the passes, up the mountains steep,
Conquering, holding, daring, venturing, as we go, the unknown ways, Pioneers! O pioneers!

7
We primeval forests felling,
We the rivers stemming, vexing we, and piercing deep the mines within;
We the surface broad surveying, we the virgin soil upheaving, Pioneers! O pioneers!

8
Colorado men are we,
From the peaks gigantic, from the great sierras and the high plateaus,
From the mine and from the gully, from the hunting trail we come, Pioneers! O pioneers!

9
From Nebraska, from Arkansas,
Central inland race are we, from Missouri, with the continental blood intervein’d;
All the hands of comrades clasping, all the Southern, all the Northern, Pioneers! O pioneers!

10
O resistless, restless race!
O beloved race in all! O my breast aches with tender love for all!
O I mourn and yet exult—I am rapt with love for all, Pioneers! O pioneers!

11
Raise the mighty mother mistress,
Waving high the delicate mistress, over all the starry mistress, (bend your heads all,)
Raise the fang’d and warlike mistress, stern, impassive, weapon’d mistress, Pioneers! O pioneers!

12
See, my children, resolute children,
By those swarms upon our rear, we must never yield or falter,
Ages back in ghostly millions, frowning there behind us urging, Pioneers! O pioneers!

13
On and on, the compact ranks,
With accessions ever waiting, with the places of the dead quickly fill’d,
Through the battle, through defeat, moving yet and never stopping, Pioneers! O pioneers!

14
O to die advancing on!
Are there some of us to droop and die? has the hour come?
Then upon the march we fittest die, soon and sure the gap is fill’d, Pioneers! O pioneers!

15
All the pulses of the world,
Falling in, they beat for us, with the western movement beat;
Holding single or together, steady moving, to the front, all for us, Pioneers! O pioneers!

16
Life’s involv’d and varied pageants,
All the forms and shows, all the workmen at their work,
All the seamen and the landsmen, all the masters with their slaves, Pioneers! O pioneers!

17
All the hapless silent lovers,
All the prisoners in the prisons, all the righteous and the wicked,
All the joyous, all the sorrowing, all the living, all the dying, Pioneers! O pioneers!

18
I too with my soul and body,
We, a curious trio, picking, wandering on our way,
Through these shores, amid the shadows, with the apparitions pressing, Pioneers! O pioneers!

19
Lo! the darting bowling orb!
Lo! the brother orbs around! all the clustering suns and planets,
All the dazzling days, all the mystic nights with dreams, Pioneers! O pioneers!

20
These are of us, they are with us,
All for primal needed work, while the followers there in embryo wait behind,
We to-day’s procession heading, we the route for travel clearing, Pioneers! O pioneers!

21
O you daughters of the west!
O you young and elder daughters! O you mothers and you wives!
Never must you be divided, in our ranks you move united, Pioneers! O pioneers!

22
Minstrels latent on the prairies!
(Shrouded bards of other lands! you may sleep—you have done your work;)
Soon I hear you coming warbling, soon you rise and tramp amid us, Pioneers! O pioneers!

23
Not for delectations sweet;
Not the cushion and the slipper, not the peaceful and the studious;
Not the riches safe and palling, not for us the tame enjoyment, Pioneers! O pioneers!

24
Do the feasters gluttonous feast?
Do the corpulent sleepers sleep? have they lock’d and bolted doors?
Still be ours the diet hard, and the blanket on the ground, Pioneers! O pioneers!

25
Has the night descended?
Was the road of late so toilsome? did we stop discouraged, nodding on our way?
Yet a passing hour I yield you, in your tracks to pause oblivious, Pioneers! O pioneers!

26
Till with sound of trumpet,
Far, far off the day-break call—hark! how loud and clear I hear it wind;
Swift! to the head of the army!—swift! spring to your places, Pioneers! O pioneers.

-Walt Whitman

Jesus Christ Sponge

That's not tomato juice

My Posse's Been Mapped

Adam Cohn has successfully mapped out the classic Sir Mix-a-Lot song Posse on Broadway. Doubt it? Lyrics are here.

Click for the interactive Google map

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What's in a name?

Prostitutes busted. What was her name? Take a look...

Click for larger image

SNL Digital Short: Threw It On the Ground

SNL F-Bomb

Jenny fuckin Slate says the fuckin f-word live on SNL

Charlie Rocket would be proud.

A Glorious Dawn

Carl Sagan, Stephen Hawking serenade you

Arthur Guinness Day

Celebrate Arthur Guinness Day today on the 250th anniversary of everyone's favorite thick & tasty meal-in-a-glass from Ireland. Don't know what the hell I'm talking about? Go 'n get yerself a pint quick laddie, before their 9,000 year lease on the brewery runs out.

JerkSquad Capitalizes on Idiocy

From the "You've got to be f**king with me" Dept.: If you don't know how to hook up a game console, or at minimum read the directions on how to do so, you probably have no business buying one in the first place. However, if you lack the rudimentary wire-plugging skills, GeekSquat minions will be happy to help you part with $130 of that pesky money just burning a hole in your pocket.

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Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day

10 years in the making, it's finally coming out October 30th
i'm very excited

More Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day News & Previews

Two good uses for an iPhone

target practice & charcoal



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Turtle Power

...and in the exciting climax of "All My Hardshells..."


at least he found his own species this time

Related: turtle fucking a shoe

via hypersloth

This woman is fucking stupid.

This man is fucking stupid.

Forever

this is kinda cool.



unfortunately, no one can ever do this again.
still pretty darn cool though.


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RIP John Hughes 1950-2009

Because of this man, I never spilled paint in the garage...

Jizz In My Mouth

Pukemouth vs Jizzpants

Don't Stop Believin

remember the Burnin' UpKid? Well, now he was born & raised in South Detroit; took the midnight train going anywhere...

This kid's awesome

Sarah Palin Blessed by the Mayor of Munchkin City

Or maybe it was the Lollipop Guild.




Trouble with your local Munchkins? Call in the Marines.

Cool Guitar Via Keyboard

Guitar, check. Keyboard, check. Keytar? No way

The USED and My Chemical Romance: Under Pressure

Pretty good teamup with the

USED

and My Chemical Romance

Don McLean - American Pie

...heard this song on the way home from work today & forgot just how freakin good a song it was/is...

A long, long time ago...
I can still remember
How that music used to make me smile.
And I knew if I had my chance
That I could make those people dance
And, maybe, theyd be happy for a while.

But february made me shiver
With every paper Id deliver.
Bad news on the doorstep;
I couldnt take one more step.

I cant remember if I cried
When I read about his widowed bride,
But something touched me deep inside
The day the music died.

So bye-bye, miss american pie.
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
And them good old boys were drinkin whiskey and rye
Singin, thisll be the day that I die.
Thisll be the day that I die.

Did you write the book of love,
And do you have faith in God above,
If the Bible tells you so?
Do you believe in rock n roll,
Can music save your mortal soul,
And can you teach me how to dance real slow?

Well, I know that youre in love with him
`cause I saw you dancin in the gym.
You both kicked off your shoes.
Man, I dig those rhythm and blues.

I was a lonely teenage broncin buck
With a pink carnation and a pickup truck,
But I knew I was out of luck
The day the music died.

I started singin,
Bye-bye, miss american pie.
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
Them good old boys were drinkin whiskey and rye
And singin, thisll be the day that I die.
Thisll be the day that I die.

Now for ten years weve been on our own
And moss grows fat on a rollin stone,
But thats not how it used to be.
When the jester sang for the king and queen,
In a coat he borrowed from james dean
And a voice that came from you and me,

Oh, and while the king was looking down,
The jester stole his thorny crown.
The courtroom was adjourned;
No verdict was returned.
And while lennon read a book of marx,
The quartet practiced in the park,
And we sang dirges in the dark
The day the music died.

We were singing,
Bye-bye, miss american pie.
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
Them good old boys were drinkin whiskey and rye
And singin, thisll be the day that I die.
Thisll be the day that I die.

Helter skelter in a summer swelter.
The birds flew off with a fallout shelter,
Eight miles high and falling fast.
It landed foul on the grass.
The players tried for a forward pass,
With the jester on the sidelines in a cast.

Now the half-time air was sweet perfume
While the sergeants played a marching tune.
We all got up to dance,
Oh, but we never got the chance!
`cause the players tried to take the field;
The marching band refused to yield.
Do you recall what was revealed
The day the music died?

We started singing,
Bye-bye, miss american pie.
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
Them good old boys were drinkin whiskey and rye
And singin, thisll be the day that I die.
Thisll be the day that I die.

Oh, and there we were all in one place,
A generation lost in space
With no time left to start again.
So come on: jack be nimble, jack be quick!
Jack flash sat on a candlestick
Cause fire is the devils only friend.

Oh, and as I watched him on the stage
My hands were clenched in fists of rage.
No angel born in hell
Could break that satans spell.
And as the flames climbed high into the night
To light the sacrificial rite,
I saw satan laughing with delight
The day the music died

He was singing,
Bye-bye, miss american pie.
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
Them good old boys were drinkin whiskey and rye
And singin, thisll be the day that I die.
Thisll be the day that I die.

I met a girl who sang the blues
And I asked her for some happy news,
But she just smiled and turned away.
I went down to the sacred store
Where Id heard the music years before,
But the man there said the music wouldnt play.

And in the streets: the children screamed,
The lovers cried, and the poets dreamed.
But not a word was spoken;
The church bells all were broken.
And the three men I admire most:
The father, son, and the holy ghost,
They caught the last train for the coast
The day the music died.

And they were singing,
Bye-bye, miss american pie.
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
And them good old boys were drinkin whiskey and rye
Singin, thisll be the day that I die.
Thisll be the day that I die.

They were singing,
Bye-bye, miss american pie.
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
Them good old boys were drinkin whiskey and rye
Singin, thisll be the day that I die.

Bill Hicks on Easter

St. Louis prepares for the All Star Games

Remember that empty, gravel lot that sits next to today's Busch Stadium in downtown St. Louis? I sure do. It was supposed to be the site of a 300mil development known as "Ballpark Village." In a bold move, and at the last possible second before the upcoming All Star Games, St. Louis and the Cardinals are finally doing something with that vacant eyesore. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, after nearly three years of completion of the new Busch Stadium, we are getting a SOFTBALL FIELD and PARKING LOT!!! It's really nice to see that the city of St. Louis is putting it's best foot forward and making sure its residents don't have anything to be ashamed of during such time of nation-wide attention as the All Star Games....

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Ken Kesey Quotes

“You can't really be strong until you see a funny side to things.”

“The answer is never the answer. What's really interesting is the mystery. If you seek the mystery instead of the answer, you'll always be seeking. I've never seen anybody really find the answer -- they think they have, so they stop thinking. But the job is to seek mystery, evoke mystery, plant a garden in which strange plants grow and mysteries bloom. The need for mystery is greater than the need for an answer.”

“I'd rather be a lightning rod than a seismograph.”

''I'm so insane, I voted for Eisenhower.'' ''Oh yeah, well I'm so insane, I voted for Eisenhower TWICE!''

Turtle Fucking a Shoe

Yesterday, if you would have told me that you had a video of a turtle fucking a shoe, I'd say you're crazy, and no such thing existed in this world. Today, I would have to respectfully yeild to your insane ideals.

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Beatles v LCD Soundsystem v Kinks

cool.

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Former Governor says F**k it, I'll write a book

Former governor of Illinois, Rod Blatantlyingsonofabitch is still hanging on to that one last invisible shred of credibility he has left. Taking a cue from such fantastic authors as OJ Simpson, Blago plans on writing a book consisting largely of claims of "no I didn't!" in response to the state of Illinois' thunderous "yes you did!" Rumors have circulated that the ousted "leader" also has plans to spend every waking minute trying to find the REAL person that accepted bribes while in the highest office in the state.


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Burnin Up

If American Idol doesn't pick this kid up, I will have been convinced that they have lost their goddamned minds.

truth in pudding

I have a firm grasp on society. It's unfortunate (on their part) that they don't have a firm grasp on me. Take a big bite outta that, you howling Houdinis!

-tw

Edmund Burke quote

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing."
-Edmund Burke

T. E. Lawrence quote

Those who dream by night, in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that all was vanity; but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes, and make it possible.
-T.E. Lawrence

I still giggle...

I still giggle quietly to myself when I call someone a "dick-head" whilst driving. I actually picture the offending party having the head of a penis. That, to me, is slightly entertaining.

The WTF Blanket

Tom Waits Visits Fernwood

(the piano has been drinking, not me)

Ante up

Fart Face