Old Greg *Updated*

ever drunk bailey's from a shoe?

...


continued
"a funky ball of tits from outer space"

*After further research, Old Greg was a recurring character originating in the Mighty Boosh. It's a stage show in England that became a tv show on BBC.*

Meat is murder. Sweet, sweet, delicious murder...

        Peta, in their infinite wisdom, have posted another antic in an long line of shenanigans this week. The organization has pledged $1,000,000 (that's meelyon) to the first person that can come up with fake meat.
        In a boldly swift move, McDonald's has already beaten the world to it. The wildly popular fast food chain has come clean regarding one of their "more popular" menu items: the McRib Sandwich. It has long been the subject of many barroom debates: "what the hell is a McRib made of?"
        Finally allowing the public into their ultra-secret test labs, McDonald's has indeed conceded that their McRib "meat" is entirely fabricated from soy products, recycled rubber-bands, and .01% recycled post-consumer paper products.

"We're probably going to shock a majority of our fans with this admission," VP Bob Langert admits, "but to assume that the entire world did not know that they were eating something engineered in a lab is just plain ridiculous. Sure, we knew that some people would be upset by the concept, but the majority of our blind followers will simply eat anything we offer. Seriously, last week, I pinched a loaf on a bun and sold it with a coke and a large fry for $3.99!"

        Repeated phone calls to Peta's offices were completely ignored. An inside source has secretly confided that the group is somewhat upset that the "contest" did not last longer than it did. They had hoped to garner much more media attention than they did. Former (and mostly failed) attempts to encourage ethical treatment of animals have included:

-"Adopt A Wild Boar" Americans were encouraged to invite a wild boar into their homes and live amongst them and their pets. Two mothers were gored to death and one child is still in a coma more than a year later.

-"Faux Fur Is still murder." Members of Peta were subliminally ordered to carry out their famous "Red Paint" attacks on anyone they identified as being clad in fake fur apparel. The program was soon scrapped as it was discovered that the head of Peta, Ingrid Newkirk, resembles faux fur with an ass harrier than that of a mastadon.

        Other, more ridiculous plans have come and gone, but the million dollar prize seems to be the most outlandish.
        What does McDonald's plan on doing with their winnings? They plan on converting 1500 of their midwest stores from restaurants to full-fledged, fully automated DVD rental houses. In light of their recent success with their "Red Box" program, they have decided to go ahead with the firing of thousands of their employees and replacing them with mindless machines.

Gas @ $3.47 per gallon

Pissed off with gas prices? Check out other stuff we use that costs a bit more per gallon and barrel.

Mathnet/Square One TV

Anybody else remember this?


or this?


Square One TV

Al-Qaida Stirs Up Earthquake

I was in the basement of my apartment building when it all happened. I was looking around in my storage unit for a notebook that I had stored in a box of random crap a while back. Right after I located it, I rearranged everything and put the lock back on the door to the storage locker. As I approached the steps to begin my ascent, I noticed something odd. It was a ski-masked figure dressed in Army fatigues creeping past the basement window. I frantically scurried up the stairs and into my apartment, securing the locked door behind me. I didn't know what the hell to think of what was going on. I thought someone was outside sneaking around in preparation to infiltrate and/or rob my apartment or that of one of my neighbors'. I readied my MagLight in preparation to defend my personal property in the event that I was going to be intruded upon. Standing ready for a fight or whatever, I moved one of the blinds in my kitchen window ever so slightly to peek at the outside world. As soon as a small razorblade of moonlight appeared on my face, I heard the sound of gunfire outside. Instincts overcame me as I dropped to the floor and got away from the perimeter wall. I worked up enough courage to crawl to my bedroom and peek out that window. I pulled the blinds away just enough to see a small, obviously American military squad hunkered down between some of the cars in the parking lot. They were mired in a battle with some turban-clad militia even further away on the same lot. As soon as I could make out who the Americans were battling, I noticed one of the enemies readying a rocket launcher. He launched the projectile and it flew through the air, striking the corner of my apartment building.

That's when I woke up. It was all a dream.

But, I was very disoriented at that point. Upon re-entering reality, I struggled to wrap my head around the concept that my room was shaking and the metal handles on my dresser were rattling.

Earthquake. I later learned it was an earthquake. IN THE MIDWEST. At 4:30am, a 5.2-magnitude earthquake struck along the Wabash fault, a northern extension of the New Madrid fault.

A sure sign of the apocalypse. Or whatever.

Lost Generation

via

Learn to swim

Swarm of earthquakes detected off Oregon
"Scientists listening to underwater microphones have detected an unusual swarm of earthquakes off central Oregon, something that often happens before a volcanic eruption — except there are no volcanoes in the area.Scientists don’t know exactly what the earthquakes mean,"

Great. Just fucking great. It's been rumored for years, but now it looks like the catalysts are in motion for California to actually slide off into the ocean...

http://www.nibm.com.np/?p=75
via

In amongst the trees

I ventured forth in the month of May
Into a forest, dull and gray

No voices, few noises entered my ears
As I breathed with the trees and eased all their fears
At first they were frightened, standing tall and straight
But as a wind swelled up they bore a graceful gait

Some wept for their fallen limbs
While others cordially tipped their green brims
Even more stood proudly, stretching up high
Reaching desperately at a cloud-filled sky

The penumbral puffy blanket overhead
Melted then moistened the cool forest bed
Thunder echoed and jolted the peace
Just moments later the light rainfall ceased
My newfound companions hadn’t let me get wet
Under their protective canopy, I was glad that we’d met

My boots were then caked with the dead skin cells of leaves
That had fallen days before from the towering eaves
I was lost in my travels when daylight faded
I couldn’t recall the path I had braided
Throughout this dimly lit wood
I needed to leave, but didn’t feel that I could

I stopped and leaned against a soaring oak tree
Then noticed a low branch pointing away from me
I let nature be my guide and soon found my way out
I trusted the timber and let go of all doubt
Once out in a clearing awash in the moon’s twilight shine
Quietly humbled, I thanked the trees for their time

© Tim Whalen

World Wide Magazine

Old St. Louis public access cable show.

more