Peta, in their infinite wisdom, have posted another antic in an long line of shenanigans this week. The organization has pledged $1,000,000 (that's meelyon) to the first person that can come up with fake meat.
In a boldly swift move, McDonald's has already beaten the world to it. The wildly popular fast food chain has come clean regarding one of their "more popular" menu items: the McRib Sandwich. It has long been the subject of many barroom debates: "what the hell is a McRib made of?"
Finally allowing the public into their ultra-secret test labs, McDonald's has indeed conceded that their McRib "meat" is entirely fabricated from soy products, recycled rubber-bands, and .01% recycled post-consumer paper products.
"We're probably going to shock a majority of our fans with this admission," VP Bob Langert admits, "but to assume that the entire world did not know that they were eating something engineered in a lab is just plain ridiculous. Sure, we knew that some people would be upset by the concept, but the majority of our blind followers will simply eat anything we offer. Seriously, last week, I pinched a loaf on a bun and sold it with a coke and a large fry for $3.99!"
Repeated phone calls to Peta's offices were completely ignored. An inside source has secretly confided that the group is somewhat upset that the "contest" did not last longer than it did. They had hoped to garner much more media attention than they did. Former (and mostly failed) attempts to encourage ethical treatment of animals have included:
-"Adopt A Wild Boar" Americans were encouraged to invite a wild boar into their homes and live amongst them and their pets. Two mothers were gored to death and one child is still in a coma more than a year later.
-"Faux Fur Is still murder." Members of Peta were subliminally ordered to carry out their famous "Red Paint" attacks on anyone they identified as being clad in fake fur apparel. The program was soon scrapped as it was discovered that the head of Peta, Ingrid Newkirk, resembles faux fur with an ass harrier than that of a mastadon.
Other, more ridiculous plans have come and gone, but the million dollar prize seems to be the most outlandish.
What does McDonald's plan on doing with their winnings? They plan on converting 1500 of their midwest stores from restaurants to full-fledged, fully automated DVD rental houses. In light of their recent success with their "Red Box" program, they have decided to go ahead with the firing of thousands of their employees and replacing them with mindless machines.
No comments:
Post a Comment