Think Clearly and Legibly

Fox News Hires New Political Analyst

Heineken Keg Uses

I bought one of those Heineken mini-kegs over the weekend, and I've been trying to figure out a use for the empty mass of metal ever since. I think I may have found it..

Things Rick Astley Would Never Do

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Olbermann Says It All

please, somebody out there, get this gentleman back on the air

Letterman Puts McCain on the ropes

Do it DAVE!!

Drunk History Vol. 4

yet another gem!
words of wisdom near the end: "don't elect an old dude"

Drunken Midget Cusses Out Her Family

She's obviously as bewildered as I am about Palin being nominated as a potential VP.

Palin's ABC Interview

Take a look at Sarah Palin's interview on ABC pre-editing.

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The Ballad of Chris McCandless

lyrics/song by Ellis Paul

He was out on the highway smiling
A mystic in torn blue jeans
The kid left his trust fund to come out walking.
He hitched across this country
backpack and a head full of dreams
Could’ve sworn he heard the earth a talking….talking

Sometimes, he said, don’t it feel like the concrete’s closing in?
We’re putting bricks on the horizon
Was he chasing fool’s gold…or a holy man walking a dirt road to the end?
I hitched a ride with Chris McCandless
Stepped in the wild of a dream

The horizon in South Dakota
Is an ocean of harvest grain
In a dusty silo we found work for the taking
We’d hitched up from California
But he never told me his real name
Never told me what past he was out here shaking
We're all shaking something...

Sometimes, he said, don’t it feel like technology’s closing in?
We’re raising towers on the horizon
Was he chasing fool’s gold…or a holy man walking a dirt road to the end?
I hitched a ride with Chris McCandless
Stepped in the wild of a dream

A stone….a path…a river of glass
The night sky…can you see stars from wherever you are?....wherever you are....

In a broken school bus they found him
In the heart of the Alaska range
The journey ends when the heart stops beating…time is fleeting

Was he chasing fool’s gold,
Or a holy man walking a dirt road to the end?
I hitched a ride with Chris McCandless
Stepped in the wild with Chris McCandless
And I felt alive with Chris McCandless
I was wide awake in the dream…dream.

DNC vs. RNC, not down with OPP

I've made a decision. I have decided that if McCain and Palin are elected into office, I am going to rescind my American citizenship and move to Ireland. What brought this about, you ask? Well, let me tell you. You see, I made the mistake of viewing the Republican National Convention on television recently. Every single politician that spoke was embarrassingly snide. Instead of coming out and saying "I'll do this," or "we'll fix that," the tone of the speeches took on that of a bad high school debate. "He thinks this and he's stupid for it," or "he can't even do that," or "he's a big fat stupid-head," were not said exactly, but that is what their words boiled down to. The worst offender was Palin. Her wry smile and arrogance (transparently disguised as poise and confidence) shone through her entire time at the podium. After nearly every sentence, she would pause, wait for the crowd to realize that they were being prompted to cheer and hold up their handcrafted posterboard signs. As soon as she would finish one of her immature and insolent verbal attacks, the camera would cut to her unwed pregnant daughter holding the most recent Palin hellspawn in her lap. Yes sir, the GOP thrives on putting it's best feet forward and putting up a conservatively wholesome image. However, they seem to have lost sight of the fact that the people they seek to rule will eventually get fed up enough to overtake them and toss their political careers into the gutter. If America decides that this combination of Old Man River and Lil' Miss Hypocrite are the best candidates for the job, I will officially lose all faith in this "great" nation of ours. If America again shows the world that they fear change by electing the conservative dickholes of the republican party, I'm leaving. I'm going to pack a bag, sell all of my shit and get the hell out. No thanks, I don't need a hand stamp for re-entry; I'm tossing my ticket stub in the trash and not turning back.

Drunk History Vol. 3

The Tiddy Bear

I love tiddies.

Where Croissants Come From

amen.

Major Combat Operations

Allen Ginsberg - America

Suggestion: click "play" below, and read along. You'll be glad you did.

America I've given you all and now I'm nothing.
America two dollars and twentyseven cents January 17, 1956.
I can't stand my own mind.
America when will we end the human war?
Go fuck yourself with your atom bomb.
I don't feel good don't bother me.
I won't write my poem till I'm in my right mind.
America when will you be angelic?
When will you take off your clothes?
When will you look at yourself through the grave?
When will you be worthy of your million Trotskyites?
America why are your libraries full of tears?
America when will you send your eggs to India?
I'm sick of your insane demands.
When can I go into the supermarket and buy what I need with my good
looks?
America after all it is you and I who are perfect not the next world.
Your machinery is too much for me.
You made me want to be a saint.
There must be some other way to settle this argument.
Burroughs is in Tangiers I don't think he'll come back it's sinister.
Are you being sinister or is this some form of practical joke?
I'm trying to come to the point.
I refuse to give up my obsession.
America stop pushing I know what I'm doing.
America the plum blossoms are falling.
I haven't read the newspapers for months, everyday somebody goes on trial
for murder.
America I feel sentimental about the Wobblies.
America I used to be a communist when I was a kid I'm not sorry.
I smoke marijuana every chance I get.
I sit in my house for days on end and stare at the roses in the closet.
When I go to Chinatown I get drunk and never get laid.
My mind is made up there's going to be trouble.
You should have seen me reading Marx.
My psychoanalyst thinks I'm perfectly right.
I won't say the Lord's Prayer.
I have mystical visions and cosmic vibrations.
America I still haven't told you what you did to Uncle Max after he came
over from Russia.
I'm addressing you.
Are you going to let your emotional life be run by Time Magazine?
I'm obsessed by Time Magazine.
I read it every week.
Its cover stares at me every time I slink past the corner candystore.
I read it in the basement of the Berkeley Public Library.
It's always telling me about responsibility. Businessmen are serious.
Movie producers are serious. Everybody's serious but me.
It occurs to me that I am America.
I am talking to myself again.
Asia is rising against me.
I haven't got a chinaman's chance.
I'd better consider my national resources.
My national resources consist of two joints of marijuana millions of genitals
an unpublishable private literature that jetplanes 1400 miles an hour
and twentyfive-thousand mental institutions.
I say nothing about my prisons nor the millions of underprivileged who live
in my flowerpots under the light of five hundred suns.
I have abolished the whorehouses of France, Tangiers is the next to go.
My ambition is to be President despite the fact that I'm a Catholic.
America how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood?
I will continue like Henry Ford my strophes are as individual as his automo-
biles more so they're all different sexes.
America I will sell you strophes $2500 apiece $500 down on your old strophe
America free Tom Mooney
America save the Spanish Loyalists
America Sacco & Vanzetti must not die
America I am the Scottsboro boys.
America when I was seven momma took me to Communist Cell meetings
they sold us garbanzos a handful per ticket a ticket costs a nickel and
the speeches were free everybody was angelic and sentimental about
the workers it was all so sincere you have no idea what a good thing
the party was in 1835 Scott Nearing was a grand old man a real
mensch Mother Bloor the Silk-strikers' Ewig-Weibliche made me cry
I once saw the Yiddish orator Israel Amter plain. Everybody must
have been a spy.
America you don't really want to go to war.
America it's them bad Russians.
Them Russians them Russians and them Chinamen. And them Russians.
The Russia wants to eat us alive. The Russia's power mad. She wants to take
our cars from out our garages.
Her wants to grab Chicago. Her needs a Red Reader's Digest. Her wants our
auto plants in Siberia. Him big bureaucracy running our fillingsta-
tions.
That no good. Ugh. Him make Indians learn read. Him need big black
niggers. Hah. Her make us all work sixteen hours a day. Help.
America this is quite serious.
America this is the impression I get from looking in the television set.
America is this correct?
I'd better get right down to the job.
It's true I don't want to join the Army or turn lathes in precision parts
factories, I'm nearsighted and psychopathic anyway.
America I'm putting my queer shoulder to the wheel.

Worst Drinking Game Ever

sales guy vs. web dude

ah, the woes of the i.t. personnel...

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Angry German Kid vs Lasse Gjertsen

remember the Angry German Kid yelling at his computer? Some dude posted a new vid of him with Lasse Gjertsen's human beatbox fantastical nightmare. Enjoy. Really. It's neat.

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Jesus Christ Sold Me Cigarettes

Jesus H. Christ sold me cigarettes last night. He was working at the BP station I randomly chose to stop at for the pack. He was reading a bible. I noticed the irony of the situation and asked, "Taking a look at your biography?" He didn't make the connection or even allude the fact that he knew what the hell I was talking about.

Good hip-hop vs. whack hip-hop?

Ice-T apologies for telling him to "eat a dick, that was just in anger," but tells Souljaboy to watch out

apparently, there will be ramifications

Drunk History

hahahahahaha


and then there's 2.5:

better? possibly.


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yet again, more lyrics

Low Stars - Calling All Friends

Calling all friends and people I met on the way down
Calling all friends and people I don’t even know
Calling on high I want to believe there’s a way now
I’m too tired to pretend
I don’t want to be alone

I’m calling all friends

Taken my time and trying to be what I wanted
Taken my chances when they came on the way
Taken there toll and nobody knows how I’m haunted
Things that I’ve done there isn’t a price I can pay

I have been broken I’ve been low
You want to disappear and no one needs to know
I’ve been there I’ve been where no one seems to care

Calling all friends and people I met on the way down
Calling all friends and people I don’t even know
Calling on high I want to believe there’s a way now
I’m too tired to pretend
I don’t want to be alone

I’m calling all friends

I have been broken I’ve been low
You want to disappear and no one needs to know
I’ve been there I’ve been where no one seems to care

Calling all friends and people I met on the way down
Calling all friends and people I don’t even know
Calling on high I want to believe there’s a way now
I’m too tired to pretend
I don’t want to be alone
I’m too tired to pretend
I don’t want to be alone

More Lyrics

Maybe you're getting tired of this lyrics bullshit, but sorry, I'm not.
I like these:
Colbie Caillat - Bubbly

I've been awake for a while now
You've got me feelin' like a child now
'Cause every time I see your bubbly face
I get the tingles in a silly place

And it starts in my toes
And I crinkle my nose
Wherever it goes
I always know
That you make me smile
Please stay for a while now
Just take your time
Wherever you go

The rain is falling on my window pane
But we are hiding in a safer place
Under covers staying dry and warm
[Another version of the song says: "Under covers staying safe and warm"]
You give me feelings that I adore

And it starts in my toes
Makes me crinkle my nose
Wherever it goes
I always know
That you make me smile
Please stay for a while now
Just take your time
Wherever you go

What am I gonna say
When you make me feel this way
I just mmmmm

And they start in my toes
Makes me crinkle my nose
Wherever it goes
I always know
That you make me smile
Please stay for a while now
Just take your time
Wherever you go

I've been asleep for a while now
You tuck me in just like a child now
'Cause every time you hold me in your arms
I'm comfortable enough to feel your warmth

And it starts in my soul
And I lose all control
When you kiss my nose
The feeling shows
'cause you make me smile baby
Just take your time now
Holdin' me tight

Wherever wherever wherever you go
Wherever wherever wherever you go

wherever you go
I always know
'Cause you make me smile
Even just for a while

George Carlin 1937-2008

RIP

nsfw

Amy Winehouse is one scary looking bitch

Sit down, Ann Coulter, Amy Winehouse has assumed the role of Skeletor-in-a-dress.

Hollow Lyrics-- not so hollow

It's funny how some lyrics jump out, grab you by the throat and make you listen...

Hollow - Pantera
What's left inside him?
Don't he remember us?
Can't he believe me?
We seemed like brothers
Talked for hours last night
About what we wanna be
I sit now with his hand in mine
But I know he can't feel...

No one knows
What's done is done
It's as if he were dead

I'm close with his mother
And she cries endlessly
Lord how we miss him
At least what's remembered
It's so important to make best friends in life
But it's hard when my friend sits with blank expression

No one knows
What's done is done
It's as if he were dead

He as hollow as I alone now x4

He as hollow as I alone
A shell of my friend
Just flesh and bone
There's no soul
He sees no love
I shake my fists at skies above
Mad at God...Mad...

He as hollow as I converse
I wish he'd waken from this curse
Hear my words before it's through
I want to come in after you
My best friend x2
Come back!

He as hollow as I alone...
He as Hollow as I alone now...

Walt's Folly

I fell into these riches
Sharp and green
As I roll and wonder
At the sky
I rolled over
I stared
For ages
At this one blade
And questioned
The sky
Why so blue
How so green
Yellow bees
Assaulting me
Brown bark
Shielding those
Naked trees
Away from me
For naked plants
I do not care
But look at me now
And I know
You’ll stare
Howling thunder
Is what we'll call it
Dragging your mind
As fast as
You can haul it
How'd you get here
How fast did you do it
Ants are being antsi
Almost blew it
Bending back
Thrusting knees
Swift motion to stand
Just to watch you pass
Frolic
Breathe the meadow air
That one blade of grass
Was but
Imaginary
Wistful like glass
Stained
with nicotine
yellowed but
still clear

© Tim Whalen

Passenger lyrics

I like this song... Deftones, Maynard (Tool)... Awesome.

I lay
Still and breatheless
Just like always
Still I want some more
Mirrors sideways
Who cares whats behind
Just like always
Still your passenger

The chrome buttons buckled on leather surfaces
These and other lucky witnesses
Now to calm me
This time wont you please...
Drive faster!

Roll the window down
This cool night air is curious
Let the whole world look in
Who cares who sees anything?
Im your passenger
Im your passenger

Drop...these down
Then...put them on me
Nice...cool seats there
To cushion your knees
Now to calm me
Take me around again
Dont pull over
This time wont you please
Drive faster!!!

Roll the window down
This cool night air is curious
Let the whole world look in
Who cares who sees what tonight?
Roll these misty windows
Down to catch my breath and then
Go and go and dont just
Drive me home then back again!

Fear & Loathing in Hyrule

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Whiskey

The Leprechaun Brothers

The Swedish Chef, Beaker, & Animal
team up to give the Irish Tenors a run for their money.

Teens Jailed for Making Molotov Cocktails

"Police said the suspects had about $4 to $5 worth of fuel in the three gas canisters and a glass bottle partially filled and stuffed with a rag.

The teens, ages 9 to 15, told police they just wanted to see what was going to happen."

Just to see what would happen?? Shit catches fire, that's what happens! And my question is: $4-$5 worth of gas?? What exactly were they going to do with a medicine cup full of gas anyway?

full story

911 Loose Change - Another conspiracy theory?

Pretty interesting, despite all the Fox News pulls and length


Who's THINKing is right, who's is wrong? FOR us to assume there is only one answer is SELFish. These QUESTIONs have been around for years. A lot of people now consider themselves an AUTHORITY on the matter.

Things younger than John McCain

A list of things that are actually younger than that other guy running for President.

Oil is younger than John McCain.
The Chocolate Chip Cookie is younger than John McCain.
Scientology is younger than John McCain.
etc...

http://www.thingsyoungerthanmccain.com

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Tom Waits Glitter and Doom Tour

A long-awaited St. Louis visit has finally materialized!
6/26/08 9:00pm Fox Theater

The press conference:


PEHDTSCKJMBA

Michael Jackson is actually an Indian Muslim

who knew?

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Can't stop laughing

Last night, I was in a rush to get out the door in time for work. Not really paying attention to what I was doing, I just happened to leave this shirt on the floor. Given my sleep-deprived state this morning, I laughed my ass off and continue to do so at the completely random nature of the appearance of this shirt on my floor...

Old Greg *Updated*

ever drunk bailey's from a shoe?

...


continued
"a funky ball of tits from outer space"

*After further research, Old Greg was a recurring character originating in the Mighty Boosh. It's a stage show in England that became a tv show on BBC.*

Meat is murder. Sweet, sweet, delicious murder...

        Peta, in their infinite wisdom, have posted another antic in an long line of shenanigans this week. The organization has pledged $1,000,000 (that's meelyon) to the first person that can come up with fake meat.
        In a boldly swift move, McDonald's has already beaten the world to it. The wildly popular fast food chain has come clean regarding one of their "more popular" menu items: the McRib Sandwich. It has long been the subject of many barroom debates: "what the hell is a McRib made of?"
        Finally allowing the public into their ultra-secret test labs, McDonald's has indeed conceded that their McRib "meat" is entirely fabricated from soy products, recycled rubber-bands, and .01% recycled post-consumer paper products.

"We're probably going to shock a majority of our fans with this admission," VP Bob Langert admits, "but to assume that the entire world did not know that they were eating something engineered in a lab is just plain ridiculous. Sure, we knew that some people would be upset by the concept, but the majority of our blind followers will simply eat anything we offer. Seriously, last week, I pinched a loaf on a bun and sold it with a coke and a large fry for $3.99!"

        Repeated phone calls to Peta's offices were completely ignored. An inside source has secretly confided that the group is somewhat upset that the "contest" did not last longer than it did. They had hoped to garner much more media attention than they did. Former (and mostly failed) attempts to encourage ethical treatment of animals have included:

-"Adopt A Wild Boar" Americans were encouraged to invite a wild boar into their homes and live amongst them and their pets. Two mothers were gored to death and one child is still in a coma more than a year later.

-"Faux Fur Is still murder." Members of Peta were subliminally ordered to carry out their famous "Red Paint" attacks on anyone they identified as being clad in fake fur apparel. The program was soon scrapped as it was discovered that the head of Peta, Ingrid Newkirk, resembles faux fur with an ass harrier than that of a mastadon.

        Other, more ridiculous plans have come and gone, but the million dollar prize seems to be the most outlandish.
        What does McDonald's plan on doing with their winnings? They plan on converting 1500 of their midwest stores from restaurants to full-fledged, fully automated DVD rental houses. In light of their recent success with their "Red Box" program, they have decided to go ahead with the firing of thousands of their employees and replacing them with mindless machines.

Gas @ $3.47 per gallon

Pissed off with gas prices? Check out other stuff we use that costs a bit more per gallon and barrel.

Mathnet/Square One TV

Anybody else remember this?


or this?


Square One TV

Al-Qaida Stirs Up Earthquake

I was in the basement of my apartment building when it all happened. I was looking around in my storage unit for a notebook that I had stored in a box of random crap a while back. Right after I located it, I rearranged everything and put the lock back on the door to the storage locker. As I approached the steps to begin my ascent, I noticed something odd. It was a ski-masked figure dressed in Army fatigues creeping past the basement window. I frantically scurried up the stairs and into my apartment, securing the locked door behind me. I didn't know what the hell to think of what was going on. I thought someone was outside sneaking around in preparation to infiltrate and/or rob my apartment or that of one of my neighbors'. I readied my MagLight in preparation to defend my personal property in the event that I was going to be intruded upon. Standing ready for a fight or whatever, I moved one of the blinds in my kitchen window ever so slightly to peek at the outside world. As soon as a small razorblade of moonlight appeared on my face, I heard the sound of gunfire outside. Instincts overcame me as I dropped to the floor and got away from the perimeter wall. I worked up enough courage to crawl to my bedroom and peek out that window. I pulled the blinds away just enough to see a small, obviously American military squad hunkered down between some of the cars in the parking lot. They were mired in a battle with some turban-clad militia even further away on the same lot. As soon as I could make out who the Americans were battling, I noticed one of the enemies readying a rocket launcher. He launched the projectile and it flew through the air, striking the corner of my apartment building.

That's when I woke up. It was all a dream.

But, I was very disoriented at that point. Upon re-entering reality, I struggled to wrap my head around the concept that my room was shaking and the metal handles on my dresser were rattling.

Earthquake. I later learned it was an earthquake. IN THE MIDWEST. At 4:30am, a 5.2-magnitude earthquake struck along the Wabash fault, a northern extension of the New Madrid fault.

A sure sign of the apocalypse. Or whatever.

Lost Generation

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Learn to swim

Swarm of earthquakes detected off Oregon
"Scientists listening to underwater microphones have detected an unusual swarm of earthquakes off central Oregon, something that often happens before a volcanic eruption — except there are no volcanoes in the area.Scientists don’t know exactly what the earthquakes mean,"

Great. Just fucking great. It's been rumored for years, but now it looks like the catalysts are in motion for California to actually slide off into the ocean...

http://www.nibm.com.np/?p=75
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In amongst the trees

I ventured forth in the month of May
Into a forest, dull and gray

No voices, few noises entered my ears
As I breathed with the trees and eased all their fears
At first they were frightened, standing tall and straight
But as a wind swelled up they bore a graceful gait

Some wept for their fallen limbs
While others cordially tipped their green brims
Even more stood proudly, stretching up high
Reaching desperately at a cloud-filled sky

The penumbral puffy blanket overhead
Melted then moistened the cool forest bed
Thunder echoed and jolted the peace
Just moments later the light rainfall ceased
My newfound companions hadn’t let me get wet
Under their protective canopy, I was glad that we’d met

My boots were then caked with the dead skin cells of leaves
That had fallen days before from the towering eaves
I was lost in my travels when daylight faded
I couldn’t recall the path I had braided
Throughout this dimly lit wood
I needed to leave, but didn’t feel that I could

I stopped and leaned against a soaring oak tree
Then noticed a low branch pointing away from me
I let nature be my guide and soon found my way out
I trusted the timber and let go of all doubt
Once out in a clearing awash in the moon’s twilight shine
Quietly humbled, I thanked the trees for their time

© Tim Whalen

World Wide Magazine

Old St. Louis public access cable show.

more

New Project

I've begun a new project. It's a "Work In Progress."

http://timwhalensworkinprogress.blogspot.com

The Catalog of Useful Crap

Everyone gets these catalogs! Here's a few items they forgot to include:

How many five year olds could you take in a fight?

23

Well, it's certainly something I'd want to know...

http://www.howmanyfiveyearoldscouldyoutakeinafight.com/